re-arranging.

So unlike my other posts this is not to talk about that Nolan and I are in a fight, that I'm stressed or that anything else in my life is going wrong. This past semester has made me accept changes as they come when they are out of your control. Instead of just trying to fight it I'm accepting them and trying to better myself as a person because of it. I have gotten the worst grades this semester that I have ever gotten and that I need to face that life is not all about grades. The thing that makes this the hardest is that I will not be able to proceed in SI and that means that I will not be working which I hate and feel bad that my parents need to be paying for things that they shouldn't have to. All my goal is, (as new years approaches) is that I have a better year. This one has definitely showed my strength as a person which I demonstrated years ago. I am going to better myself and that is my main goal. I am just glad that the stresses are almost finally over? One more class needs to post a grade. As much as I am ashamed, I want to find the lesson that I am trying to be taught in this process. I want to appreciate my life for what I have, family, friends, Nolan, a roof on my head and PLENTY of clothes in my closet.

So Nolan didn't make the team...as much as I'm happy in a selfish way, I feel so bad for him in the other. And I'm kind of on a secret diet that no one knows about..I don't feel the need to tell anyone because I think my mom would just encourage it lowering my self esteem more. I can't wait to be able to go to the gym again. And Nolan will just get mad but I feel like I am the biggest I have ever been and least attractive. This may have something to do with the lack of attention I'm getting from everyone (this all of a sudden) low self esteem. I'm not really a fan of the protein shakes though. Must take a little bit to get used to, we will just have to see!

I hate that I normally think to post on this when I am upset (hense yesterdays post) however today is better. I'm still mad at jenkins for feeling the need to tell everyone that nolan and I were fighting. Nolan made a good point however. If we cared what everyone else thought we wouldn't be together in the first place. I am happy with him, I just hate fighting. I am just so excited for next year not to have to deal with all this shit. Farmington was a great move and advancement for me but I am ready to leave and get on with my life with the people I care to be around. I just hope this whole fight doesn't affect our relationship/nolans mood towards me. My appointment with my advisor is soon so I suppose I should get off this blogger.

I feel like I am losing it. I want to love him with everything I have but then he has to go and take out his emotions on me and make me feel like I am the one causing it. I've tried everything to make him happy. Nothing seems to work. I've tried everything to make me happy and it's not working. I don't know...What kills me is the more I fight with him the more he doesn't seem to care. But he called me dumb. I can't just forgive that and then have him expect to stay in my house after he says something like that. I'm so sick of fighting with him but it's not fair he treats everyone else so nice and then me not so much.

So as I lay here waiting for Nolan to pee, I can't help but feel torn about his basketball tryouts. As much as I want him to make it because I know he will be devastated if he doesn't but at the same time last year, basketball caused most of the controversy. He is so nervous about making the team this year. Apparently they are only taking 17 guys out of 20 something. It doesn't help that everyother roommate is trying out for basketball too. So its going to be bad if one person doesn't make it and the rest do. Nolan and I have been doing good other than this constant hesitation of basketball. He went hunting last weekend and bought me flowers as a surprise :).my organic chem went well. I ended up finishing the summer with a C+ which I am fine with that way I will never have to take that class ever again especially not with mariella. Senior year is probably one of the hardest semesters I've had thus far. All of my classes this semester feel they are the most importatnt so it makes it hard to constantly be ahead of my work. Between that si this semester I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions.my mom has kind of been too busy for me lately as we'll brcause of my grandfather neeing her help so much. Its selfish that I get mad but in times like last weekend when I was throwing up stomach bile I wish she would have been there. I'm just excited to move forward in this whole process of becoming a dietitian. No I won't make as much money as an eyedoctor but at least I will enjoy what I do. I just hope nolans parents understand. They are so caught up in making a lot of money that I feel bad that someday nolan won't be able to do what he wants because of the pressures on him if I'm even feeling them this strong.I love them either way. I guess this wraps up this blog. Until the next time.

Life is getting better. Nolan and I are doing a lot better but I still can't wait to go back to Farmington and have my own life besides just doing my class and waiting for him to get back. I love him to death but I am going crazy in this town with the closest dunkin donuts or walmart being about 30 minutes away. I have noticed some changes in myself and I think that is just because I am searching within myself to see who I really am as a person. I love the quote to be nice to everyone because you don't know what kind of battles they are fighting. It is so true, and I'm really going to work on that. I always have my judgements of people as much as I try not to, but I can't help that. But thinking of this quote frequently might help me with that and to stop and think of what is going good in my life when I am frustrated, feeling stressed, ect. I really can't wait to get back to the gym either. I feel like I have completely let myself go and I need to get back to feeling good about my appearance. I haven't been doing it the most healthy way and Nolan sometimes gets mad at me but I have to do what is going to make me feel good and right now I feel this is what I have to do. My goal this year is to just appreciate life and be an all around better person. I don't know what I am going to have to do to accomplish this goal, attend church, volunteer, get another job? I just want to feel good about the life I live and not look back on my senior year and think that I wasted the last year in Farmington. And that goes along with accepting the fact that not everyone is going to like you and I did things that I probably wouldn't like if someone did them to me and have to lie in the bed I've made. I think all about this year is accepting myself and accepting others and trying to make everything good and zen I suppose you could say! The plan is right now that I'm going to try and wake up early and go to the gym and hopefully that will help me feel more zen throughout the day.

So I haven't updated this in a little while, I've actually been having a much better time than my last post. Nolan and I had a huge fight and ever since that fight things have taken a complete 180 turn for the better :) It makes me very happy because I love him very much. Im kind of at a weird point in my life where I just want to find something that gives me meaning. I used to think that optometry would give my life meaning but after finding out that it isn't the route that I want to go, I really don't know what to think anymore. I went out on Saturday night to celebrate not having an internship anymore and drank a little too much and was sooo hungover for the lobsterfeed at my house with my grandparents. I was called fat, having fake eyelashes, pale, if I was on medication, and if I did dip. Either way, I wasn't too happy about that. My mom and I got along well though so at least thats a good thing. Everytime I go back to Farmington it makes me more and more excited to go back for good. I'm really excited. Especially with the new look of the apt! Now that no one is there to dictate. As far as my class goes this summer I'm halfway done. And now with no internship I think Im going to try and double up in the week and get things done faster.

I'm at a difficult time in my life which is why like most people say it is important to get out your feelings and I chose to do this via blog:

I'm dating Nolan who until recently has had a great relationship. I just feel like sometimes he shuts me out and doesn't really care even if he says that he does but just struggles to show it like he used to. It hurts me to look at happy couples like my friend Emily and Roy because that used to be us. I really am hoping that everything works out but I just have my doubts right now. But doesn't everyone have bad times? or is this not normal? I have had extreme trust issues since hes broken it multiple times and haven't truly been happy since December. Like I have happy times but TRULY happy since last December. His parents I feel like are sick of me and I'm sick of eating nothing but junk food at random times in the night. It's just not me. I feel so overweight and feel guilty about it. I moved to his house this summer to fulfill an internship in optometry which is what I wanted to do for years. I realized this summer it is not what I truly want to do. Certain things interest me, but I just don't feel passionate about it enough to go through another 4 years of school and more student loans. I feel like I am letting everyone down except for my mom who has wanted me to be a nurse since I was younger. I don't really know what I am going to do about everything but that's what life is right? a roller coaster of emotions and ups and downs but in the end God has a plan for us all. That is another goal of mine, to go back to church. I need the feeling.

I'm also taking an online organic chemistry class this summer. It is stressing me out to the max. I feel like I am not retaining any information and the final is worth 60% of the final grade. I just cross my fingers that I get a good enough grade to graduate on time and to also not disappoint my parents who paid a lot of money for me to take this course. Right now my average is about a 78. YIIIIKES.