hard.

I've finally made a decision- I am staying at Farmington for another year and finishing my BS in Biology with either a Nutrition or Community Health minor..

Hope this is the right decision this time...

I'm harder on myself than anyone else.

Staying Optimistic...

So Happy New Year.. let's try and get this thing up to date:

January: didn't start out the new year exactly how I would have wanted to, my phone was ruined from someone spilling Joose on it on accident, however I do think 2011 is going to be a good year overall. 2010 was just a reality check on life and really had me try and figure things out from different perspectives. Still did not change the fact I was immature on how I handled the accident of the phone and hence why my glasses are broken as well...

February: Started out good, Nolan got drunk and told me what my valentines day gift was and went downhill from there...just had one of the worst possible things happen last night. Not post worthy. Just it changes things forever. I'm never going to be ok with something like that again...

Yet in a way these events I feel are going to lead to good things at least I hope. I'm trying to keep an optimistic approach on everything I just hope I'm not being stupid about it.

To top it all off, I am just getting very anxious to go to Bangor at this point.

I wish he was here instead of Sangerville...I just can't get through this sadness..

On a good note-I'm going to get new glasses on Monday...

re-arranging.

So unlike my other posts this is not to talk about that Nolan and I are in a fight, that I'm stressed or that anything else in my life is going wrong. This past semester has made me accept changes as they come when they are out of your control. Instead of just trying to fight it I'm accepting them and trying to better myself as a person because of it. I have gotten the worst grades this semester that I have ever gotten and that I need to face that life is not all about grades. The thing that makes this the hardest is that I will not be able to proceed in SI and that means that I will not be working which I hate and feel bad that my parents need to be paying for things that they shouldn't have to. All my goal is, (as new years approaches) is that I have a better year. This one has definitely showed my strength as a person which I demonstrated years ago. I am going to better myself and that is my main goal. I am just glad that the stresses are almost finally over? One more class needs to post a grade. As much as I am ashamed, I want to find the lesson that I am trying to be taught in this process. I want to appreciate my life for what I have, family, friends, Nolan, a roof on my head and PLENTY of clothes in my closet.

So Nolan didn't make the team...as much as I'm happy in a selfish way, I feel so bad for him in the other. And I'm kind of on a secret diet that no one knows about..I don't feel the need to tell anyone because I think my mom would just encourage it lowering my self esteem more. I can't wait to be able to go to the gym again. And Nolan will just get mad but I feel like I am the biggest I have ever been and least attractive. This may have something to do with the lack of attention I'm getting from everyone (this all of a sudden) low self esteem. I'm not really a fan of the protein shakes though. Must take a little bit to get used to, we will just have to see!

I hate that I normally think to post on this when I am upset (hense yesterdays post) however today is better. I'm still mad at jenkins for feeling the need to tell everyone that nolan and I were fighting. Nolan made a good point however. If we cared what everyone else thought we wouldn't be together in the first place. I am happy with him, I just hate fighting. I am just so excited for next year not to have to deal with all this shit. Farmington was a great move and advancement for me but I am ready to leave and get on with my life with the people I care to be around. I just hope this whole fight doesn't affect our relationship/nolans mood towards me. My appointment with my advisor is soon so I suppose I should get off this blogger.

I feel like I am losing it. I want to love him with everything I have but then he has to go and take out his emotions on me and make me feel like I am the one causing it. I've tried everything to make him happy. Nothing seems to work. I've tried everything to make me happy and it's not working. I don't know...What kills me is the more I fight with him the more he doesn't seem to care. But he called me dumb. I can't just forgive that and then have him expect to stay in my house after he says something like that. I'm so sick of fighting with him but it's not fair he treats everyone else so nice and then me not so much.

So as I lay here waiting for Nolan to pee, I can't help but feel torn about his basketball tryouts. As much as I want him to make it because I know he will be devastated if he doesn't but at the same time last year, basketball caused most of the controversy. He is so nervous about making the team this year. Apparently they are only taking 17 guys out of 20 something. It doesn't help that everyother roommate is trying out for basketball too. So its going to be bad if one person doesn't make it and the rest do. Nolan and I have been doing good other than this constant hesitation of basketball. He went hunting last weekend and bought me flowers as a surprise :).my organic chem went well. I ended up finishing the summer with a C+ which I am fine with that way I will never have to take that class ever again especially not with mariella. Senior year is probably one of the hardest semesters I've had thus far. All of my classes this semester feel they are the most importatnt so it makes it hard to constantly be ahead of my work. Between that si this semester I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions.my mom has kind of been too busy for me lately as we'll brcause of my grandfather neeing her help so much. Its selfish that I get mad but in times like last weekend when I was throwing up stomach bile I wish she would have been there. I'm just excited to move forward in this whole process of becoming a dietitian. No I won't make as much money as an eyedoctor but at least I will enjoy what I do. I just hope nolans parents understand. They are so caught up in making a lot of money that I feel bad that someday nolan won't be able to do what he wants because of the pressures on him if I'm even feeling them this strong.I love them either way. I guess this wraps up this blog. Until the next time.